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Letter "D" » Deep Thoughts
"The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain–-unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
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