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Letter "D" » Deep Thoughts
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!"
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
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