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Letter "D" » Deep Thoughts
"Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven–with a gun."."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
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