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Letter "D" » Deep Thoughts
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
"Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games."
Author: Jack Handy
About: Deep Thoughts
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